I attended a talk by Doctor Melanie Joy. She is the author of Why We Love Dogs, Eat Pigs and Wear Cows. At the end of her presentation we had the opportunity for questions and answers. An audience member asked for advice on how to share mealtimes with family members or friends without compromising our own values or our relationships.
I have always wondered how to do this myself. Here is my take on the advice Doctor Joy gave:
Make it not about the animal and more about yourself. The reason is that friends and family care about you in a way that they do not yet realize they care about the animal.
Tell them how you feel. Ask them for their help. Collaborate with them on a solution. Here is an example:
I am really looking forward to Thanksgiving and seeing everyone. But I am really struggling with something and I was hoping you could help me with it. I am distressed about having to see the turkey and see it being eaten now that I am aware of how these birds suffer. It causes me tremendous emotional pain and sadness now that I know the truth. I’m not sure I can take seeing the turkey being served. Can you help me? I don’t know what to do.
By putting it this way, by making your family or friends aware of your own suffering which will be visible and undeniable, you are now collaborating with them for a solution. Asking for a change in menu, asking people not to order the animal at a restaurant or to not eat an animal in front of you is usually perceived as pushing your belief onto someone else. Instead, try collaborating with them by asking them for help – by asking them to come up with the acceptable solution. You already know the solution. They have most likely never given it a serious thought. But now they will be forced to think more deeply about veganism in a way that is meaningful to them: the suffering of their own family member or friend, and potentially their part in that.
While they may still serve the animal at the meal, at minimum they will now truly be aware of your own suffering as a result. In this way you are not compromising your values or your relationships.
If the person becomes offended or is rude to you or angry with you as a result, then there are issues that already exist within the relationship with that person or that family that have nothing to do with your veganism. Otherwise they will most likely show you empathy and respect. They will now and forever be aware that their menu choices cause you pain, even if they are not aware of the pain with regard to the animal, they are aware with regard to you.
In this way both you and your hosts have acknowledged the issue and will continue to actively seek a way to minimize the pain that mealtimes cause both the animals being served and the vegan at the table.
In conclusion, the response of my family has been to invite me over for dessert only. We never even talked about it. This was their way of avoiding the discomfort they must feel around me, not the animal. But that, at least, is something. For such a thing should never be wholly comfortable.
Peace
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